19th June 2014,
You know the life cycle of bad days avenging on you because you were relieved from them for a lucid time. Well no its not in my case. My life usually gets fiercely bad and then less pain but again pain as hell.
I had started to wonder, yes I am feeling a bit better but then, those cringing moment they never leave you, those scars which you mended by yourself away from the stare of everybody they diverse and widen more and more.
What i want to say right now is, fights are never gone completely those little arguments change and become a ravaging grief.
My parents started to fight, and who am i to tell except cry like a stupid whiny child on tumblr, my parents fight !
THEY HAVE BEEN FIGHTING FROM FOREVER
So how its different, I know what happens everywhere, yeah and other people do have it more bad. But still that doesn’t make my pain small in any way.
My parents were arranged marriage, yeah SHOCKING ! Its so prevalent in India, they were forced into in this marriage and were forced into creating me. This just make me think that I am a mistake, a mistake which was forced upon them. I had no way to make a change in it, all their fights I guess have emerged from me. I the epicentre of this earthquake.
I will never get the idea of arrange marriage, these are the reasons why i am wanna never have to born from here.
My parents started to fight last day and then my dad cussed my mom. And the fight densed, I was just breaking inside. More and more, piece by piece. I could do nothing, everything feels futile.
I am just a mistake and shouldn’t have ever been born, I don’t wanna exist and I don’t wanna kill myself because I don’t wanna cause any more pain in any way. I just wanna never to cease to exist.
Then I watched HIMYM finale to hurt myself more.
I looked at Marshall and Lily, I wondered thats how my parents should have been, they should love like they it would be the best. Or any other of them, Ted and Marshall, even Barney and Robin twice(individually). I have also started to envy Harry Potter in the way that he would never had to see his parents every fight. And i feel so wrong in that.
I shouldn’t feel like that.
I silently cried at night, breaking inside every single time.